Biden’s address to the nation

Unity Joe

NOTE: The following is my own transcription of a recording of Joe Biden’s address to the nation on the “Soul of the Nation,” scheduled for delivery this evening from Independence Hall in Philadelphia. Do not ask how I came into possession of that recording hours before the event.

My fellow Armenians.

During the campaign I gave you my word—my sacred word as a Biden—that I would unite this country.

I promised to be a president for all Americans—the rich and the poor, the black and the white, the Latinx and the oriental, the gays and—the, the LGBTQ and all the other letters, all Americans, you know what I mean.

In the eighty months since I’ve been vice-president, we’ve cured the pandemic. We’ve created four hundred million jobs. We’ve built a framework for guardrails that will preserve our precious climate from carbon transmissions. We got our troops home from Afghanistan and we’re buying the votes of millions of Americans struggling with, ah, the the school money they borrowed. The school loans. That.

We’ve got an economy that critics say, you know what they say, they say it’s recession, but I never saw a recession with so many new jobs and so much employment. What we’ve got is, we’ve got these Putin price hikes, this Putin inflation, because Putin’s a bad hombre but we’re dealing with him. We’re giving Ukraine more weapons than we gave the Taliban. You know what I mean. Putin.

Don’t say that man can’t stay in power.

All caps. That means I don’t read it. I’m gonna get in trouble for that, just wait.

But let’s remember, it was the Harris-Biden administration that closed that Russia pipeline to Europe. We did. Because back when we opened it Putin wasn’t invading Ukraine. And then he did. No joke. So we closed it. That’s no money for Putin, for his war machine, and it’ll stay closed until the invasion is over. I mean that. If he thinks he can invade Europe and bomb cities full of women and children, and colored people, and the gays, he better think again.

I’ve got a gay black female press secretary. Think about that. First time in American history. Got a woman running the fed. Gay fella running Transportation. Undersecretary of health who’s a. . . well, they’ll get mad if I don’t stick to the script. But you know what I mean. Of course you do! Because that’s who we are.

That’s what I’m here to talk to you about tonight. Who we are. We, in Armenia.

That’s why I wanted to come here, to this hallowed site, this sacred spot where the Declarational Independents were assigned. Right here in the birthplace of our great nation, the capital of Philadelphia: the beautiful city of Pennsylvania.

I started this address by reminding you that I gave you my word as a Biden to unite this country.

I want to talk about that. Uniting the country. Uniting the soul of our nation, making it whole again, and not divided like it is now.

There’s not a morning I wake up where I don’t think, “What can I do to unite the country today?” I’m serious.

But a lot of Americans, you know who they are, the Ultra-MAGA semi-fascists, they don’t want to unite the country. They want to divide us. They want to vote for things we don’t want, say things we don’t want to hear. And I’m sick of it. Sick of it!

It’s un-Armenian.

Here’s the deal: America’s a great country. I love this country. And we all want to change the things we love, it’s how we show we love them. My wife could tell you about that.

I’m supposed to pause for laughter.

But everyone who loves this country, we know what time it is. We know the score. We want unity, we know how important it is to come together as a country and support the Democratic policies that are going to make America gr—that are going to make our country better. All our policies, that’s all we’re trying to do, is make things better. Who could oppose that?

Only people who hate this country. People with bitter hearts. People filled with anger and fury. People who won’t unite with us to do all the good things we want to do because their souls are full of hate because they’re not real Americans, like we are. I was just sayin’ the other day, they’re semi-fascists. They’re haters. Violent, insurrectionist, treasonous—(unintelligible)—

And worst of all, they’re dividers.

How can we be united as a country when they won’t unite with us?

That’s not what this country’s about, man. Come on.

We’re the United States. Not the Divided States. It’s not rocket surgery. The United States. Think about it.

So I tell you here tonight, right here in the place where Jefferson Davis signed the Decoration of Incense, we are in a struggle for the soul of our nation. The soul! Of our nation!

The soul of our nation, that’s what were talking about.

It’s divided.

And that’s no good.

These Ultra-MAGA types, these deplorable semi-fascist traitors, we have to get them unified. They’re out there right now, saying bad things about me, about my son—the smartest person I ever met, at least since his brother died—about my administration, about all of us. Because they don’t care about unity. They’re dangerous. And they’re violent. Our country has never faced a threat like this before. It’s not just me that says so. Lots of people do. Because it’s true! It’s true, and we’re all sick and tired of it!

So my pledge to you tonight is that I’m going to make America united again.

First, I’m going to use my executive authority to establish a Department of Unity.

And that Department will be run by a Unity Czar. Someone who understands the importance of unity and has the youth and energy to unite America. I’m not supposed to say who it’s gonna be, I’ll get in trouble. But she’s not gonna put up with any more malarkey.

The Department of Unity will have one mission and the power to make it work: to make sure people aren’t being divisive. We just won’t tolerate it any more.

Problem solved.

I’m not allowed to take questions.

Thank you, good night, and God bless Armenia.